About 13 months ago, I was rushing to the bathroom at all hours of the night, stumbling over what ever the floor had waiting for me as I urged my way to the toilet so that I could go pee. Or throw up.
I was wobbling my way down hallways, sidewalks, restaurants, and in families homes.
L i t e r a l l y wobbling. And by the end of the day, I just wanted to put my feet up, rest my head on my pillow and eat a bedtime snack before bed at 8pm.
I was tired. I had been carrying a human inside me for that last 9 months who made me incredibly sick. Everyone said "enjoy your sleep while you can", I honestly didn't understand where they were coming from, considering I had been rudely awakened by my bladder several times in the night, and when I was sleeping, I could only sleep in a certain position to be somewhat comfortable. And when I wasn't peeing or incredibly uncomfortable at night, I was throwing up.
So when someone said enjoy your sleep while you can, I just couldn't. And It felt impossible to try to.
10 months ago I would have given anything to sleep like I was 13 months ago.
It was tough.
My little was a month old and I was a month into waking up several times in the night to calm a baby, feed a baby, change a baby, hold a baby. I was a month into trying my hardest not to fall asleep when someone was talking to me. A month into no more peeing several times in the night, but nursing a baby several times in the night. A month into trying my best to do something I had literally no clue how to do.
It was physically draining.
But it's 11 months later, and I've learned an incredibly large amount about being a mom. I've got a few dirty diapers under my belt to know something! But still, I know so little.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake...
I can see the bags under your eyes as you walk through the grocery store with your head down at 11pm for a box of diapers. In your sweatpants. With your messy bun. With no makeup. Spit up on your sweater, a long shirt to cover the massive underwear lines because of the huge pad you are wearing along with the not so sexy sports bra that seems to only work to accommodate all those feeding's. Let's just hope you remembered you're nursing pads, and if you didn't I'm praying with you that no baby starts to cry. (only moms will truly understand this).
I can see all this, because I've been where you are.
13 month's ago, I probably would have never truly noticed you. Simply because I didn't know the person you were. A mom. I would have seen you, but I wouldn't have noticed the small details that made you a mom.
I didn't know what it was like to be a mom. I didn't know what it was like to have to rush to the grocery store at 11pm with sweatpants, spit up and bags under my eyes and secertly actually like that time to myself as I grabbed that box of diapers, in silence.
I didn't know what it was like to spend all day cleaning poopy diapers and not having gone to the bathroom myself that day.
I didn't know what it was like to be a mom.
I knew what it was like to be pregnant. But I didn't know what it was like to be a mom.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake...
These days, they may be long. They are a lot of work. And they are long.
But the months, they go by fast. Before you know it the baby who kept you up at all hours of the night, is sleeping from 8 to 8 and you my dear are sleeping 8 to 8.
Before you know it the baby who just starred at you, is now smiling at you.
Before you know it the baby who would smile with their cute gums, now has 6 pearly whites.
Before you know it the baby who nursed from you, is now sitting in his high chair eating what you are having for dinner.
Before you know it, you are wearing normal sexy husband approved bras again without breast pads. Before you know it you're not wearing those massive underwear anymore.
Before you know it you are sleeping.
And before you know it, you aren't fighting to stay awake anymore.
You're just simply fighting to remember.
You're fighting to remember how tiny they really were, how small their fingers and toes were.
You're fighting to remember what their gummy smile looked like.
You're fighting to remember the noises they made when they were filling their diaper. And the face expression's that came along with it!
You're fighting to remember what it was like to nurse them, and sustain them.
You're fighting to remember their first cry.
You're fighting to remember the first time you ever laid your eyes on them.
You're fighting to remember there first bath.
You're fighting to remember their first tooth.
You're fighting to remember when they rolled over for the first time, crawled for the first time and took their first steps.
You're fighting to remember what they looked like with so little hair.
You're fighting to remember what it was like to bring them home for the first time.
You're fighting to remember what it was like when you became a mom.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, eventually you will be fighting to remember those moments that kept you awake. Eventually you won't be fighting to stay awake, you will be fighting to REMEMBER.
You will be fighting to remember the last 11 months because it truly goes by so incredibly fast.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, season's never last forever.
Season's are there to equip you for what is to come.
Season's are there to strengthen you, and give you everything you need to endure the next season. Season's are t e m p o r a r y.
The sleepless nights are temporary.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, enjoy these sleepless moments.
It fly's by and before you know it you will have an 11 month old, 6 toothed little man running around.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, ask for help. Sleep when baby sleeps and let everything else wait.
You don't need to wash the dishes right away, you don't need to fold that laundry, you don't need to answer the door.
Ask for help, go on a date with your man, get out of the house and be married!
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, don't forget about your husband.
I know what it's like to be so consumed with baby, I mean hello? You are making sure they have everything they need to just be. I know what it's like to be kissing your husband and hear the baby cry and leaving that much needed moment with your spouse to tend to your baby.
I know what it's like to feel torn between being a wife and a mom. To trying to be both. To trying to succeed/win at both at the same time.
So to the mom who is fighting to stay awake, don't forget that your husband comes before your baby. Don't forget to date again.
Don't forget to be a wife. First.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, don't take these moments for granted. I know I probably took a few for granted and now I have an 11 month old who is running around yelling "dada" 24/7. Who doesn't want to be held unless he's tired. Who has grown so much I can hardly remember how small he really was.
Remember the day's may be long, but the months they go by so fast.
To the mom who is fighting to stay awake, keep fighting.
You're an amazing mom, and you are doing an amazing job. You do what you have to do. Keep mom'ing the way your mom'ing because you're doing a great job. Don't ever sell yourself short, for the amazing job you are doing. You're rocking this!
Sweatpants, messy bun, spit up, breast pads, bags, no makeup and all- you truly are rocking this.
And remember one day, you won't be fighting to stay awake, you will be fighting to remember.